February was not much fun. Both Sherry and I got ill. Him with gastroenteritis, probably from eating something disgusting that he shouldn't have, and me with a winter respiratory thing, because that's what happens in winter. We both ended up on antibiotics. I was really worried about Sherry for a while. Thankfully he recovered, and is back to being his quirky playful self. One night I cried with worry about him. A few days later I cried happy tears because he started being playful again. The photo below was his first day wanting to play again
He has also been playing with his neighbourhood doggo friends. One corgi named Percy, another corgi named Butter, and his new friend, a pure white Swiss shepherd named Jessie. It was so good to see him running around with them. He can't run as much as he used to, due to his age and his arthritis, but he enjoys himself and rests when he needs to.
I am almost over the respiratory thing, but I am still suffering from the after effects. Sheer exhaustion. I must go for full blood tests next week. Partly because I am long overdue for my thyroid checks, and partly because of the exhaustion. On Wednesday I went back to work after sick leave, and at one point I nearly fell asleep and off my chair while I was actually working on something. This weekend has been mostly spent asleep.
Back in 2010 I developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after a series of kidney infections. My immunologist said that my immune system was attacking healthy cells, and that I should think of my immune system as an army that doesn't know the war is over. This feels like that, but thankfully not so extreme. I would be in trouble if it got to that point again, as I no longer have anyone to help me. Back then I had my father (now dead) and my grandparents (grandpa now dead, grandma in her 90s and partly paralysed due to a stroke). I am so far away from anyone I know well.
Regarding my grandma I am always worried about her. I haven't seen her since 2017. Since before I moved to Prague. I don't even know what to write to her in an email because I am a failure at communicating and just don't know what to say. I certainly don't want to bother her with all my shit, but I am too tired to pretend to be happy. I hope she likes photos of Sherry, because that's the only way I'm able to show people I care about them. Sherry photos. That's my love language. And I can't bear the thought of losing either Sherry or Grandma, but due to their ages these thoughts haunt me.
In other news, Facebook memories reminded me that today is the 3 year anniversary of being offered the job at Doctors Without Borders. That was some good news while I was recovering from Covid. I still don't know how I got through the interview, and I still can't remember the interview! But I got the job, and even got promoted to team lead just over a year ago.
My direct manager, the head of our department, is moving away soon, and asked us team leads if any of us would be applying for the job. I can't say that I'm not interested, but I have my doubts. Am I good enough? Am I even good enough as a team lead? Do I have the respect of the team? There are 3 team leads. One is known as the funny one, one is known as the technical one, and I am known as the nice one. Do people respect nice? Do they think I'm too nice and therefore a pushover? I am nice until I have reason not to be nice. They have not seen the tougher side of me because we have a good team and they've not needed to see it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. I simply don't believe that leadership is about having power over people. I believe it is about encouraging people to strive to be the best that they can be, to continuously learn and grow, and in turn go forward and help others in the same way. It is about building a team that works well together, whose different strengths compliment each other, and encourage each other and share their knowledge. I grew up without encouragement and know how damaging it can be. I don't want people to go through the same, whatever their ages. I don't want to be a bitch just for the sake of showing strength. Does that make me too nice?
Obviously another doubt about applying for it is my health. Is it a good idea while my physical and mental health is low? Could I cope? To be honest, other than my lovely Sherry, my job is about the only part of my life that isn't going to hell in a handbasket. Work is a distraction from life. I do wish I had more to life, but this is just the way it is at the moment.
Another concern is how trapped I feel when I think of committing to staying in Prague. I love prague as a place to visit, for vacations, but after 6 years here I can safely say that actually living here does not make me happy. Post-Brexit UK is not the place for me either. At least I have a job that isn't minimum wage zero hour shit. That's if I could even find a job there. A friend has been encouraging me to consider Norway as a place to relocate to, and to be honest, I'm tempted. However, I currently do not have the physical or mental strength to make a move to another country. Or the finances. Norway is an expensive country and I do not have the money to move, or to support myself while I look for work and until I receive a wage. There's also the situation with my teeth. Would anyone want to hire someone with a mouth that looks like mine? Someone said to me that people will be completely focused on my abilities, but let's face it, that's not true. First impressions make an impact, and teeth like this look unprofessional. Especially for leadership positions. I have been saving up for the past 2 years to get them fixed, but the price keeps going up and I need to save more. It is an ongoing struggle.
I notice that this blog has a lot of words and not many photos, unlike my other posts. And there is not much positivity in it. Here is another photo of Sherry to make up for it. The best boy in the world. The goodest of good boys. My boy.
